为什么要让我去承受这种指责？

昨天和老妈吵了一架。
去了东甲亲戚的婚礼，就明明说好晚上不住那里了，
尽然还被质问为什么要去比赛叫我弃权。
不明白为什么你要说出我是因为比赛所以不可以留在东甲哩？
说了又不帮忙反驳，就让我在那里承受大家的责问酱，
很像我们没留下是我的错。

又是哭得很惨的一晚。
又努力看很多poomsae比赛video，很迟睡。
结果今早又赶又没力的去参加在UTM 的National Poomsae Championship。
24个人拿第18名，丢脸死。
上次ASEAN Championship 还拿到7.1的分数，这次才6.8我的妈。哈。
不过前面的都是实力派，都练习很多。
不像我一个星期才练习一小时xD 诗敏也参加了这次比赛，
可怜这次她连8强决赛都挤不进。
可是这次我真觉得，她的poomsae打的完全没美感也。
不知道是失水准，还是其他进步太快了。

Anyway又是累积经验的一次。我们应该是想到练习的策略了。
接下来就是努力练习吧。
就希望我sparring退休后，不会觉得poomsae的练习很闷。

遗弃

我是一个被遗弃的小孩。

退役之战

Took part in the national sparring circuit 3 today.. 我的退役之战.. Haaa...
so good this time, held in Johor, Taman Johor Jaya Multipurpose hall. So near.

This circuit 3 is special.
Every player have to accumulate point to be selected to take part in tournament.
Thus, less opponent this time, only 2 for me.
Then is round robin system, means will fight with every opponents in the category.

Result:
Me vs dwi Regina 2-14, hung win
Chicken, grow so tall for what, lose to her the 3rd time, and she only 16 years old -.-
Some improvement from last fight as i can block more of her high kick..
But.. Still unable to reach her n score point.
In the end still let her score so many head kick when she follow up.

Farah vs me 1-13 Chung win
National player sia... Not that strong actually, maybe she injured.
Tot can win her but I'm using new fighting style, in the end lose so much. Haiz.

I'm glad that finally my own coach has the chance to coach me again,
since five years ago?
Although performance is totally not up to his expectation
(seriously no tough trg for few months edy).
So many ppl come to support me also.
Kah lai, shi min n her brother, zhi hao also?? Ha.
Not that close with him but ya, still come. Thx.
In the end, got a bronze medal.

This end my last competitive sparring competition.
Not joining anymore. Losing hope? Not sure.
So many things happen in my club also.
Feel that the club not heading the right direction. So much of 孤军作战 feeling.
Old edy. Shall continue my spirit in poomsae then!!!
If got mood then i join sparring again lar xD

I didn't expect to make this difficult decision

It's a difficult decision. But I just can't stand it anymore.
I just feel that im not his priority. His diving is important than me.
Career is important than me. He enjoy with his diving fren more than me.
Every msg reply i received from him is so 没诚意.
Everyday i open n stalk his fb i also sad. I decided to leave him. For awhile.

This is the message i send to him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dbb... Jus frankly tell u,
actually i want to say sumting to u on Sunday midnight once u forget my bday.
But since u rmb, no harm telling u earlier.

I think I want to leave u for awhile.
The situation now is like making me sad everyday only.
It somehow even worst than last time when I with mr. Kok.
For one month i cry everyday before i slp. I cant take it anymore.
I think I shld not have this kind of stress also.

Before this, I was so interested in diving but now, I hate diving so much.
But dun worry, u shall continue with u passion n ur work.
My leave won't affect u much cos u still hav ur new frens to support u.
I believe they can take good care of u.
If u wan, chase me back when u ar ready, but my memory is short,
dun expect i can rmb how good u treat me last time.不然就随缘吧.
Hope u can put alot of effort n focus in ur work, until u success.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Find a new one, who has the time for me

i tell my fren, im going to tell someone this "im going to find a new one"
but my fren told me that i shld say "im going to find a new one, who has the time for me"

lol.. so cruel.. but i have keep these words in my heart.. nv say it out..

since when

几时开始我有自虐的习惯...

加了耶！

工作半年，老板加我五十了！哇哈哈！
可是有点惭愧，因为这两个月都是睡觉吃蛇渡过的 xD

还有一个weekend，就能比较close了！
虽然是close不了多少 zzzzz
不过就这个星期有人就考完试了嘛。。。

I hate diving

I hate diving

我的男人哭了

他抱着我，哭着说 "我以为昨天你就这样不要我了。。。＂
我的心也软了。。。

虽然，心里有阵爽快感。。
但那是因为我知道，他是真心，爱着我。。。

蛮sad的

你就和我父母说的一样，这只能是业余的。。
不用浪费太多时间。。寻找另一个目标吧。。

对不起，我不能接受。。
现在只有崩溃。。
为什么只有最亲的人会说这些。。
狂哭了两小时，到底眼泪几时才会停止流。。
又很难呼吸。。头又很痛。。好辛苦~

我走过的绝对不和你一样。。
你不会经过那种，每次去练习，都会被阻止的那种痛苦。。
你不会经过那种，每次都尽力争取机会，却被人家说顽固的那种痛苦。。
你不会经过那种，每次得奖，都不想和最亲的人分享喜悦的那种痛苦。。
不是因为知道他们dont care，
而是知道分享后他们就会care too much，然后否认你的成就，和你说这个拿来有什么用？

就因为身高只有157，就因为大家说没前途，所以我不应该继续？
努力了14年，只得了个铜牌，什么屁都没有。。就应该放弃？

如果你又是另一个经验丰富，企图用你的经验来断定我的路该怎么走，
对不起，请你让你这种经验远离我，我不想被你污染。
你拥有的经验，我也可以选择拥有。

也不需要给我什么支持。。。因为我觉得这很假。。
就好像有些人和我说，很支持我做的事情，却不同意我做的事。。。
然后我半途遇到挫折时，就告诉我精神上是支持我啊，可是是我活该不听你的话。。
而不是给予最大的鼓励，和我一起度过。。

我更不需要那种在我还没尝试，就和我说我注定失败的人。。
摆脱离我远一点，请不要把你们的负面思想传染给我。。。

最后，不用给我指导说。。以后我想通了就会知道。。
要想通早就想通很久了，可是我的决心让我继续走这条路。。

而且不是那种只是在路上散发热情的。。
是那种势必一定要得到最高荣誉的那条路。。